The Amazing Steve
By: S. Hewitt

I studied law under Blackstone, poetry under Hawthorne, and grass under a tree. No man has ever bested me in a duel with the rapier. Squirrels eat out of my hand. I am earth conscious- I carefully handcrafted my entire summer wardrobe from recycled newspapers and milk jugs. Asbestos has no effect on me. I spend an hour of each day teaching deprived children in Afghanistan how to play the flute. Once, when singing in the shower, I composed an entire symphony. Calculus is a hobby of mine.

My Banana Flambé is world renowned. I can perform complex calculations in my head twice as fast as the Cray Supercomputer. My speech on relativity won top honors at three consecutive worlds fairs. Summer often finds me in many foreign lands teaching conversational English to uneducated tribesmen. Water does not get me wet. To relieve stress in the evening, I often perform complex brain surgeries, asking nothing of those whose lives I save but a smile. I know the words to every Beatles song ever written. I have never paid full price for dry cereal. Siskel and Ebert gave me "two emphatic thumbs up." Once, while eating breakfast, I dictated the translation of War and Peace from German into a rare Indian dialect.

I have simplified Einstein's equation for energy to E=m. I designed my house myself on the backs of many napkins. I have never received a phone call the turned out to be the wrong number; I have never been contacted by an encyclopedia salesman. My bust is in the foyer of Madam Tussaud's. My plans for the Gulf War were flawlessly executed by General Schwarzkopf. I can summersault up steep inclines, and pilot a van through precision driving courses with unmatched speed and accuracy.

I weigh the same on the moon as I do on the earth. I can bite through titanium. In a few short weeks many years ago, I patiently taught Pavarotti how to sing. I can cook exquisitely, dance flowingly, spell unerringly, and shout gleefully. Birds dedicate songs to me. I have been voted in as Dictator for Life in fourteen countries, and have never lost a war.

I can type 103 words per minute, swim a mile in 95 seconds, and drive 45 miles an hour without starting the car. Clothes never shrink when I dry them. I know the secret to happiness, what every woman wants, and who killed Kennedy. I can fly a kite on a calm day, a 747 without wings, and a paper airplane I folded myself. I have 20/20 vision, perfect hearing, and my nose hairs never grow. Mosquitoes will not bite me. I know Karate, Judo, and Yoko Ono. Dogs obey me, presidents revere me, leaders follow me. I am fat-free, cholesterol-free, dolphin-friendly, and only have 3 calories. And finally, I made an 'A' in humanities.

Steve Hewitt, who is quite mad, lives with his wife and family near Atlanta, Georgia. After he sold his wildly successful nationwide firm, "Steve's Shake-A-Pet", he went to work in a highly controversial experimental joint venture program with the U.S. Government and John Deere, where he succeeded in teaching highly trained monkeys to efficiently paint tractors with surprisingly little overspray. For information on Steve's current project, e-mail him at steve@nathanhood.net

© Copyright Steve Hewitt 2003