FALSE CONFIDENCE
By Jeff Thomas

What do four amber beers and a little hit music give you? Liquid courage. Do you wish you were the guy in those Anheizer-Busch commercials-perfect smile, perfect lock atop a raised brow? You can be!

Of course, you can be that lucky guy. Start now. She's looking at you this moment. Go ahead, say something thrilling. Just open your mouth, "Hello, pussycat." Swagger over there and offer her a Bud.

The end ends up less than beautiful, but the middle looks perfect, like the smooth, taut tummy of a beer girl. Except she's obviously not drinking the product.

Beer. It fills the chilled glass and chillin' chums, sharing a laugh too funny for cocky cock-behavior. Keep on cracking up, though. Eventually it'll all be funny. And when it's not, beat up someone smaller than you. Something has got to extinguish all this Friday night rush. Testosterone is just as good released throwing fists at the chump, designated driver as it is getting kissed by Daisy over there.

You're a god, man. No one can touch you! And the more beer you swill, the more everything opens up. Hey, Adonis, she's checking you out. Never mind a clock is hanging over your fat skull. It's you she wants. Go on! Say anything. She wants to hear that mountain fresh, distilled voice of yours. Breathe that silver bullet all over her. She definitely wants you. Besides, other guys got no game. But you've just finished a sixer. Go tiger. What could go wrong? Morning either brings a sex-rocked stranger or a hangover. Both could be yours, Scout.

In the end you gave it your best shot. So, she didn't swoon. Soon, another chick will hatch, and you could be money. In the meantime, get up from that bar stool victorious, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of rejection. Flip those bills onto the bar with a calculated I-don't-give-a-Hoover-dam-about-you-and-the-other-hens-in-this-place attitude. But give the barmaid a wink-she probably wants some too. Too bad, though. You're going home to that long overdue bong hit and HBO. Besides there's one person who always finds you sexy: you, man. That way you never have to go home alone.


Jeff Thomas lives in Oregon on the corner of Happy and Sunny with his lovely wife and quick wit.. If you'd like to book Jeff for your next company party (or if you'd like to learn more about hiring him to do some actual writing),contact him at jbt67@juno.com

© Copyright Jeff Thomas 2002