Theft of Priceless Mid-Sized Canine Blamed on Narcoleptic Security Guard - President Of Local Oxymoron Society Dubs Him "A Real Fake"

TULSA, Okla., April 1, 2004 (NP) -- Nathan Hood, a security guard in Tulsa, Oklahoma is once again in hot water with area residents after literally falling asleep on the job, thus allowing the theft of a priceless award winning moderately proportioned dog. The famous aging canine, who gained world-wide notoriety in the early 90s while touring the globe in his own private jet as "Sir Lucas Middling - The World's Most Medium Sized Dog," was stolen sometime early this morning from the Cherokee Bingo & [Class 2] Gaming Center where he was living out his twilight years as the bingo hall's beloved mascot.

The heist of the mid-sized mongrel came just 3 days after a disturbingly similar incident in Creek County involving the burglary of two somewhat more obscure (but no less beloved) professional brother-sister tag-team fighting wood peckers named Greg "Gregory" Peck and "Bushel" Anna Peck. "Those Fighting Pecks were all we had left since they outlawed cockfighting last year," blubbered a red-eyed Creek County resident while choking back tears. "Now how will we gamble away our children's back-to-school-supplies money? It's common knowledge that turkeys can't be trained to fight, why, they're the pacifists of the poultry community!" Creek County, well known for its Okie Noodling Museum in the heart of historic downtown Supulpa, is also home to the lesser known Oklahoma Fightin' Critters Hall of Fame, where on any given day one can observe the following native fighting species stuffed via taxidermical method: fightin' armadillo, fightin' coyote, fightin' cotton-mouth, fightin' mountain-boomer, fightin' Okie peeper, fightin' sooner ringed-tailed dust dog, and the diminutive (but fiercely aggressive) blue-breasted-crested-dusted-fightin' barn swallow, just to name a few. The economic impact of the loss of Team Peck remains to be determined.

Back in Tulsa, the sorrow of the neighboring community was overshadowed by their own grief and anger, which seems to have gripped every strata of society- from the south side society types to the north side greasers. "Stay golden…stay golden…stay golden…" muttered an unkempt bearded man repeatedly as he held a sign that read "The End Is Near" on one side and "Throughput Your Paradigm Shift" on the other. The disheveled man was later identified as Zack Corrington, former up-and-coming e-business tycoon who, in the course of only three weeks, went from thinking outside the box to living in one. When asked for further comment, Corrington (citing his extremely hectic schedule) agreed to a phone interview next Wednesday at 3:00 sharp. He then reached into his tousled sport coat and produced a flattened milk carton that had "Palm Pilot" scrawled across the top, and proceeded to enter the appointment onto the drawn-on screen using a discarded drinking straw. All in the immediate vicinity spontaneously backed away slowly on their tiptoes before turning around, running in place for several seconds Fred Flintstone-style, and darting away to comical sound effects with their arms straight out in front of them.

The startling abduction of the dearly-loved Sir Lucas came just hours before the scheduled release of his compilation of original free-verse poetry, a 568 page volume entitled I Never Met A Man I Didn't Bite: The Tedium of Being Medium. His complete memoirs- The Life & Times of Sir Lucas Middling- The World's Most Medium Sized Dog was released earlier this year to rather unenthusiastic reviews and even more tepid sales, leading some to speculate that the mutt actually abducted himself as a publicity stunt to bolster sales of his new book. Although most in the community seem to reject this more cynical hypothesis, others have said "What the deuce are you talking about?" One thing is certain, though. It is a known fact that Sir Lucas was quite a shameless promoter in his day, and wasn't above engaging in what some might consider questionable activities in order to advance his own cause. The most memorable (and ill-conceived) such happening occurred in 1994 when, on national TV, he married Zsu Zsa Pepper "The Grayest Poodle In Five Counties," and although the event was unilaterally ballyhooed in the dog world, all of the snickering human viewers could clearly see that Zsu Zsa was actually light brown. Then again, Sir Lucas was always more of a Frisbee chaser than deep thinker.

All controversy aside, this is the biggest story to break in Tulsa since exactly one year ago when the aforementioned Mr. Hood made national headlines by stealing a Zamboni from a local hockey franchise and turning a four mile stretch of South Memorial Drive into a sheet of glare ice. To this day he maintains that he was chasing after a gang of masked bank robbers. After this latest incident at the bingo hall, Nathan was immediately fired from his security guard job and unceremoniously kicked to the curb. Mr. Hood, ever the reactionary, immediately filed a formal protest, claiming that his boss knew of his narcoleptic condition when he hired him. "To be honest," explained Nathan, "I'm quite surprised that they canned me. I figured my boss would be a bit more understanding, considering that he himself suffers from the even rarer malady of compulsively communicating in spoonerisms." "That's a complete lack of pies!" his boss immediately shouted back.

But many in the community are already rising above all the controversy, and have proposed commemorating the life of their dear Sir Lucas by constructing a 17 story bronze statue of the mutt to honor his legacy. "This will be the second-largest free-standing bronze statue of a medium-sized dog in the whole world," explained sculptor Shane Brown. Apparently misunderstanding the fact that the entire project would be privately funded, the citizens of Tulsa County eagerly voted themselves another sales tax increase to pay for it all. "Wow." deadpanned Anuta Catuna of the Sooner Palindrome Guild.

So, what's next for the intrepid Mr. Hood? "Well, now that I'm unemployed again, I guess I'll have a lot more time to devote to my two main passions: discovering a cure for NASCAR fever, and finding a wrong way to eat a Reese's. I mean, who's more qualified to do that?" he muttered as a giant tear rolled down his cheek, "I've been doing things the wrong way my whole life."

© Copyright Nathan Hood 2004